3rd fill lucky! Or not

So today I’ve been prodded by a follower and in all honesty id forgot about my blog (oopsie!). So as an update, not a lot has really happened.

I very rarely know my band is there, i get fuller sooner but not soon enough, I’ve now had 3 fills and am now at 7.5ml in a 14ml band and i still dont feel any different. My fill nurse has assured me it will come and congratulated me on my weight loss, I’ve lost a stone exactly since my last fill and also achieved a stone weight loss before xmas. On my journey that means i am roughly 60lbs down, 20 post op and 40 pre.

Looking back i can see my life has changed gradually over 3 years into a far more active one. Just this morning as i went to collect my friend so we can venture on our weekly 40mile mountain bike trip, we both had slightly niggling faults on our bikes we had picked up the week before. We got a mile or so down the road and decided “hey lets just go for a run!”. I mean, 3 years ago i hardly wanted to venture outside let alone go for a run. This has been an often unnoticeable change. I cant remember what motivated me all them years ago but am glad someone or something kicked my arse and am where i am now because of it. However, i sometimes feel i should be further on than i am.

Im disappointed that the band has had little impact. I still crave food and i still feel the compulsive need to eat. I trust my nurse who says it will start working she will just keep filling every month until i get closer into the green zone. I had considered paying someone to fill me under xray to just get me at the right tightness and be done with it. Theres nobody near me that can do that. But im just going to be patient.

Ive had one painful episode where i was eating a chicken sandwich too fast and not chewing properly and it got stuck and oh my god it hurt, i was late for an appointment and hunched over sink trying to sick it up. I find trying to burp is best way to shift it but i had no capacity to burp so just had to a movement like a snake where you open your mouth as much as possible and make an “errrrrr” sound. This works slower than a burp but i had little option. It cleared after about 2 mins and i ventured back out to work with the vision of my half eaten chicken sandwich id left on the bench.

Clothes size hasn’t changed alot, i carry a lot of weight on my belly so even a stone weight loss doesn’t drastically change my vital stats. Im still a 40″ waist possibly 38″. But all nice jeans only go up to 36″. Id love to wear some trendy jeans and a tight t shirt, my little man boobs look awful in T-shirts unless they’re a certain shape, dull, straight and thick material helps, the trendy thin and deep cut necked t’s just make me look huge.

In the last few months my partner and i haven’t been that close, since the baby came we’ve survived on very little sleep which has made us irritable and tired which causes us to argue daily which is exhausting. My job is also taking its toll on my personal life, i leave the house at 8am and get back 9pm most nights. i don’t see my friends much so haven’t really had many words of encouragement, a stone down and nobody noticing just hits home how big I am. Having a baby makes it difficult to dodge photos like i used to, I’ve seen a few lately where i can see the changes in my body and in some look good, but i cant help think am still too big in all of them. My partner often says “you look dead skinny in that top”. But i often just think shes being nice, i don’t know if ill ever be skinny actually.

I still haven’t told anyone about my op, only me and my girlfriend know. My sister in law is morbidly obese and has been asking her doctor to refer her for gastric surgery and i have to bite my tongue every time she mentions it, but feel like shouting “its not a cure!”. I don’t know if that is entirely true yet of course. I mean, I’ve seen numerous success stories, but until i see my own then i will have to reserve judgement. Keeping it a secret has been difficult at times but i just dont want to be judged by anyone. The same when i would diet and go to my mam and dads for a cup of tea.

“how many sugars?” my Dad would say.
“two!” id reply.
Then the most irritating but predictable response
“Tut! I thought you were meant to be dieting!”

I’ll keep it to myself for the foreseeable future.

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